* cause im the boss

all i needed was a response.

2009-11-29T09:18:06Z

David Rexology
First of all, i dont know what the hell youre talkin about, cut eyes and rude tones.

Second of all, i dont take threats too kindly, especially when its towards friends of mine. My friends arent frauds. Its really insulting that you can tell me where i belong. I'm happy where i am, i dont need to pretend.

its honestly time to move on, i have too much to worry about now, dont wait for me,
... See More
sometimes looking back is the biggest mistake.
5 hours ago · Delete

christinanhem

2009-11-28T22:59:45Z

thats me

the riot girl, the party girl, the so sweet i love her girl
you want a good time lets call christina girl, shes kinda hot girl
but that girls a tip of the iceburg, girl

im the get what i want when i want, do it with class sass and grace girl

the ghost whisperer girl
sees what you dont see girl
read inbetween the line and found the implicit thesis girl

the good girl
the bad girl

the attitude girl.

had her heartbroken too many times girl
broke too many hearts girl

a helper a friend a sister a daddys girl

brb dinner

talking bout how im yo biggest fan

2009-05-27T06:06:10Z

you my favorite i swear it

<3

see me when you see me...

i gots a boyfriend now

you're like a scene from my favorite movie

2009-04-21T06:40:06Z

you are the
most

complicated

most

satirical

most

malicious

most

analytical

most

bitter

most

fustrating

person ive ever known!

ah, you make me so, so...

URGH!

and me?! i dont even know why

i just cant even find the words to explain it

i dont even know why
i dont even know
i dont

cant

wont

no more!

you mister. must of had some sort of subliminal messages hidden in your songs
YES
must be it.
THATS EXACTLY IT

ive been tricked!!!

ha- you thought you had me

well baby

that was a close one.

and to think i would of traveled the world and back for you
took out all the stars in the sky if you wanted 'em
spoiled you, adored you, commit to you

for every kiss you would have given me
id give you three.

hm, we would have been cute
a real good looking couple.
made everyone turn their heads.

i would have promised you anything

everything

could of made you the most happiest

compliment your swag

upgrade you

buddy
they dont make 'em like me ya dig?

you passed up a good thing

too good of a good thing

-

i caught your play son

im normal now.

check you at your next show

pinky swear ill be at everyone of 'em
spit shake ill support your music

as forwards play. another time, another day

- your number one fan

all because you wont listen.

2009-01-30T16:37:28Z

</3

i love you too

2009-01-13T08:56:02Z

___

You got some nerve

Was wondering how you got about that

Youre really something else, so spit it

No need baby

Cut the bullshit - lets hear it

I don’t deal with leftovers not in it for the games didn’t apply for part time

you knew it before you met me

You should of picked me

Its you

No

No?

Listen, I don’t want it anymore I don’t want you anymore

Liar

Done?

fucking idiot

don’t do that

I hate you

Why, why the fuck are you here
When I see you I cant breath
I cant think I cant function
My, my hands get sweaty
My tongue goes all swollen
I get dizzy

Why don’t you just-

you’ll do this to me

I wont

I wont

please

i love you, ill always love you.

i wont forget you

make a wish and blow the twenty candles.

2008-11-19T16:31:15Z

i woke up to, nothing

its my motherfucking birthday

no breakfast no flowers candy card.

nothing

fuck

i never knew you can give me a lump in my throat so early.

the tale of the tell tale heart

2008-08-09T20:03:57Z

i was breathless
i was throwing and kicking and punching
i could feel the tears run down my face so rapidly
i choked
i screamed
my heart had never felt so much -hate
- as i washed my face with the two palms full of cold icy water
i looked at the reflection.
so many questions
so much time
so much love
just so much just so many
as i reached for the knob to leave the only place i knew was safe
i glanced once more at her. at me
faked a smile
and walked right out.

so it began almost forever ago
the girl who would do anything
but not anything with anybody
or anything with somebody
just anything
anything that could would of benefit me
i dont blame my mom and dad
my brother sister dog cat aunts and uncles
i dont blame that cousin who witnessed the first step to delinquency.
i would just...
too much had been on my plate since i could barely remember
the stuggles the pain the heartache the fucking abuse
i needed an outlet
i needed something that i could of control...
so.
i lost everything that ever mattered to a beautiful girl.
i lost my value
my worth
my dignity
my pride
my heart
my soul.
but i trade it in for power.
i ran it like a fucking milk factory
all that it was accounted for
i was that little one who hung out with the cool kids
that had something to do on the weekends
that partied and bullshit with the notorious pack.
i was the queen.
it never hit me that it was wrong
it never put guilt on my chest
it didnt feel like it was a burden.
i just got use to the routine.
it was just too easy.
no one not one said anything

i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret

so my double life took its toll.
it lead to late nights. drinking drugs cutting
-never getting out of bed
-never going to school
-never wanting needing
-never was, ever happy.

i stopped for a while.

i just started cutting.
all i did was cut
cut cut cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started hating me
i started hating my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything

i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret

things would hurt me easily.
i cried
all the time
i felt depressed
i felt alone
i felt disgusted
i never spoke to anyone about it
i never tried
to let anyone in
no one knew me.
not even me.

it continued.

i was running in circles
like a fucking hamster on its wheely
thinking hes going to get somewhere
it was all that id known
it was all that i would do
i never thought it would bite me in the ass
i never thought i would have to speak of it
i didnt want this connotation

i stopped.

dating was fun
they didnt want nothing
they never tried nothing
i would pay sometimes
they would pay sometimes
i never went to anymore parties like that
i never drank anymore like that
i never high-rised anymore like that
they just wanted to know me.
conversations on the phone till late nights
butterflies in my stomache
the anticipation to see them again
i dated without any intimacy
and it was lovely.

i started to smile. i started to live again
i glew. i sang. i danced
it was like feeling the sun shine for the first time
after a long long cold and dark bitter winter.

thats when i met them
an introduction that made their eyes lit.
i thought saying i was a lesbian would scare these boys off
no. they loved it.
knowing though, they never did try anything on me.
they called me out to hang
they called me out to chill
they called me out to be -friends.
so i went along with it
hey. no obligations right?
i felt free. liberated.
i felt happy.
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything

i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret

so my double life took its toll- again

but
there was one that stood out from them all
he was just, brilliant.
he had swag
he had class
he had charm
he had what i wanted in my life.
i was. let it be known. interested.
we talked alot. i mean alot.
he had weekends free to talk alot. i mean alot.
i liked him alot. i mean alot.
then...
i went to his house.
and i fucked up. BIG TIME
huge
monsterous
gi-fucking-gantic
i told him i cringed because...
i should of said it all. i should of told him.
i should of let it be known...
but he played it off and i did too.

again.

i was running in circles
like a fucking hamster on its wheely
thinking hes going to get somewhere
it was all that id known
it was all that i would do
i never thought it would bite me in the ass
i never thought i would have to speak of it
i didnt want this connotation

he found out bits and pieces of me.
caught in the lie.
i was glad though, he knew
but i was his.
whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it
it was his. i was his.

i felt in love for the first time
i said i love you for the first time
i felt like i was a girlfriend for the first time
i said love love love all time for the first time.

i showed him all that ive known. everything
i let him in. everywhere
slowly.
cautiously.
vaugely.
but lovingly.

he didnt need me to drink
he didnt need me to be the highest
he didnt need me to party
he didnt need me to be someone else

i was christina. christina nhem
thats all he wanted
it was just too easy
everyone said everything

i wore him on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it wasnt a secret

but how can someone want just that?
how can i love him and he love me without knowing everything?
how can he hold me
how can i hold him
how can things work.
we had secrets.
the secrets had secrets.
it was all secretive

i was loosing it
i was loosing him
we were too close yet so far
our worlds started clashing
we brought out the worst of each other
but i loved him too much
too fucking much
i was obsessed.

it went down from there

the absolute worst possible senarios you can conjure in your head
yeah we went through it
yeah weve been there and back again
yeah weve been at the lowest of the lows and definitely at the highest of the highs
we would hit the brink of it all
we never met half way

i was loosing it
i was loosing him
we were too close yet so far
our worlds started clashing
we brought the worst of each other
but i loved him too much
too fucking much
i was obsessed.

it went downhill from there

but he played his music and i would dance my songs
but he would hold my hand and i would kiss his cheeks
but he loved me and i loved him too much

it went to a fucking negative slope from there

and i fucked up. BIG TIME
huge
monsterous
gi-fucking-gantic

paranoia got the best of me
insecurities got the best of me
others got the best of me
stangers friends and hood rats got the best of me

my world came tumbling down
my heart was shattering into millions and billions of pieces
my eyes became too swolen crying endlessly

i just started cutting.
all i did was cut
cut cut cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started hating me
i started hating my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything

i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret

he left.

the stuggles the pain the heartache the fucking abuse

i needed an outlet
i needed something that i could of control...
i lost everything that ever mattered to a beautiful girl.
i lost the love of my life.

so i left. the country.

7805 miles
just on the other side of the moon he was
just on the other side of the sun i was
i was flying over siberia while he played his music
and imagined i would of been dancing my songs
i cried reading re reading re re reading the letter
he wrote me the night i left.

Hey baby, im not too good with this whole "writing a letter" thing, but im going to try my best. Pllease forgive the sloppiness of my writing, but this paper doesnt have line on it so my chicken scratch writing is gonna look extra kindergarden sorry :)

so, youre actually going huh? i cant lie, i didnt always think this day would readlly come, but i guess you proved me wrong. im going to miss you soooooo much. Life just wont be the same without you here. im going to miss everything about you. im gonna miss the way you hog the best when you sleep, the way you fight with me over who gets the good spot in the bathtub, and the way you charge at me like a bull when your in a good mood. im going to miss the way your lips taste and the way your skin feels and even your smell (dont worry. you smell good) while youre gone, dont forget me. dont forget that i love you, and that what we have is real. no matter what anyone says!!!

six months is such a long time. i hope you still love me when you come back, whatever you do i just want you to be honest with me, and dont worry ill do the same for you.

we had so many good times baby. so many memories ill carry with me forever. like that day we made a tent in my apartment out of blankets. you know the day im talking about. i will never forget it. baby i just hope you know that i think your really beautiful and you should never doubt it.

dont be too sad that your leaving cuz ill be missing you while your gone. and maybe when you get back things will be better for both of us and we can really make this relationship work. i hope you end up figuring out whatever it is that you need to figure out in cambodia and i hope you come back to me cuz ill be waiting for you

Anyways you just called so i gotta stop writing this and come meet you to say goodbye. Sorry its not the longest letter ever but you know that i love you. you changed my life baby. and through hell... but youre perfect and i honestly couldnt ask for nothin gmore!

yours forever..... monster ♥

ps. your my cambodian baby ...

the days were long lonely and hot
i wasnt yet fluent in the language and i did have a thick accent
but my goal was to learned who i was.
i wanted to better my life that i can respect.
i didnt want no one
i didnt need no one
i had to see myself in better light.

there was a day
it hit me
slapped me
dropped kicked my fucking ass
i had blood on my hands and shirt
i could smell the copper
it was a blur
he didnt have his eyes close
he didnt have a love
both him and i had nothing.

i couldnt sleep
i couldnt eat
i couldnt shower
i was scared to blink.

but i didnt start cutting.
all i did was far from cutting
no cut no cut no cut
vertical horizontal horizontal vertical
my skin started loving me
i started loving my skin
it scabbed dried flaked and heal
it was just too easy
no one not one said anything

i never wore it on my sleeve
no one would have imagined it...
it was the biggest secret

but

BRB

christinanhem @ 2008-08-06T10:24:00

2008-08-06T14:27:04Z

its about making wise choices among the things we now have to choose from.
its about recognizing that trying to have it all has gotten in the way of enjoying the things which do add to our happiness and well being.
its about deciding whats important to us and gracefully letting go of the things that arent. its about our lives right where we are.
its about learning to reduce the chore and frequently self imposed obligations
so we can begin to make the contributions we all
in our heart of hearts want to make
to our family
to our community
to our enviroment
and to the world.

let go

2008-07-03T22:17:38Z

visualize it
close your eyes and breathe deeply
reflect upon something that youre holding onto thats not working anymore
what would your life look like without it?
what one small step can you take to let go of the attachment?
how would it feel?

by the time you figure it out
youll be so over it.

What keeps you awake at night?

2008-04-23T04:46:48Z

after a while you learn the difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesnt mean security
you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts
and presents arent promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with
your head up and eyes open
and with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child
you learn to travel all the roads on today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for your plans
after a while you learn that even the sunshine
burns if you get too much
so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
you will learn that you really can endure
that you really are special
and that you really do have worth
so live to learn and know yourself
in doing so you will
learn to live

where does your heart bring you?
what does your heart now bring you?

jibberish

2008-01-17T08:03:49Z

i just cant believe out of all this

im still back at it
im still here loving him

what exactly am i doing wrong??

why do i cry every night

theres just too many questions in my head.

...

its over, its through

2008-01-16T22:01:36Z

there were so many
thoughts
ideas
so many plans
suggestions
there were so many
days nights mornings and noons
so many aches
tears
regrets
so many so many so many

but there are no solutions.

so many attempts, so many failures.

we cant drop this but we cant work it out

theres absolutely no point of keeping this lingering, floating
spilling over and under ourseleves

we need... i need.

to escape.

all
of
this.

now

my words might tangle, they might confuse you
they might relieve your pain
this could even burden you more

but i will tell my story, i will get this out

one way or another...

how can you.
how can you how can you how can you
fool me?
i sit and regret,

i wish i never met you
i wish i never went out with that guy and seen you
i wish i never went in your car
i wish i never had given you that ciggarette
i wish you never came in and charmed my number out of me
i wish i never had fucked you
i wish i never visit you at work
i wish i never went home with you
i wish i never hugged you at night when were falling asleep
i wish
i wish i never had fallen in love with you.

but thats all i do now, is think and regret
all i do is sit and try to figure what can we do

what can i say, wear, sing dance do, to make us work?

so, now you tell me. you need a break?
a break from me, from speaking to me
from seeing me
from everything that ever has to do with me
who in the right mind would take a break?
do you know what breaks are?

i dont need to understand how can you fucking want a fucking break
i dont need to know who else it is
i dont need to see how life would be without you you without me

what i need it something real.

i dont need a fantasy relationship
i dont want something out of a fucking happy fairy tale

i just dont want to be your toy
your go to girl
your last option.
just some company when no one else is fucking around

im sick of being taken for granted
im sick of these fights
im sick of being punked in front of your friends
im sick of waiting
im sick of asking
im sick of calling begging crying pleading
im sick of being this pathetic stupid dependent on you fuck

but
i love you.
i care for you
i want you

and what really sucks,
what fucking blows my mind
is the fucking fact

that with all said and done

i need you in my fucking sorry ass life.

christinanhem @ 2008-01-16T10:54:00

2008-01-16T15:55:53Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY CAKES

theres a girl i know
shes everything on the outside
shes so pretty
so funny
so smart
so confident
everything you want to be
but i know
deep deep deep inside
theres so much more
theres a story. theres drama. pain suffering
feelings you and i would hide to show no sign of sentiment
its pretty clear from what you know
she has nothing to prove
we love her
we all do
do we?

i dont
i hate her
i hate how she looks and speaks
the way she laughs and walks
her appeal
her smell
her intelect
everything that makes her whole

i hate her

shes dying in the inside
day after day
night after night

c a m b o d i a

2007-03-08T02:09:16Z

how i survived cambodia

2007-03-05T01:04:11Z

http://www.hi5.com/friend/photoshare/displayManageAlbum.do?albumId=5819673

im back from cambodia

2007-02-28T05:13:05Z

and i dont know what to say...

ive never

ah i dont know

i'll be back

happy new years

2006-12-29T20:15:18Z

hope its a good one.

say byeeeeeeeeeee to '06 !!!

can you understand the shame?

2006-12-08T03:45:08Z

yes.

i really can

understand.

just forget the world

2006-12-02T01:40:21Z

mind boggle.

i hate rutherford.

ha, ill get back to this

Girls in tight dresses
Who drag with mustaches
Chicks drivin' fast
Ingenues with long lashes
Women who long, love, lust
Women who give
This is the way
It’s the way that we live

Talking, laughing, loving, breathing,
fighting, fucking, crying, drinking,
riding, winning, losing, cheating,
kissing, thinking, dreaming.

This is the way
It’s the way that we live
It’s the way that we live
And love

what is this.

2006-11-26T23:51:27Z

"change"

lets not try so hard.

on the count of three, jump off the band wagon.

one

two

...

no? well than

fuck you.

get off my ass bitches

dirt off my shoulders.

2006-11-21T03:53:01Z

i dont give a fuck.

what the fuck GUY!

2006-11-17T03:06:01Z

I'd rather sit alone on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion.

word.

oh coriolis!

2006-11-16T04:00:23Z

trippin' out

five more days JUST FIVE!

2006-11-15T01:19:51Z

one to close.

expect the unexpected?

fucking mind boggle.

I CANT TAKE IT, BRING BACK MY INSANITY